


When Things Don't Add Up

by DivineVarod



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Bad Parenting, Concern, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Learning Disabilities, Lemons, M/M, Pre-Slash, The Beginning, Trojan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-20 04:55:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5992330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Rimmer pushes himself to the brink studying for his new exams and still does not retain a single piece of knowledge Lister realises something is wrong. Together with Kryten and the Cat he finds the true reason for his friend and bunkmate's lifelong problems. But … how will he tell him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Things Don't Add Up

Life on board of Red Dwarf was difficult at the best of times and the last few weeks had been unbearable as Arnold J. Rimmer was due for another exam.  
Dave Lister had expected the Hologram to become less anxious about his exams as the years went by, but if anything he was getting worse. Rimmer was studying non stop and his stress levels were critical.  
This time around he had made himself a promise: No charts, no distractions only study. Everything was about Astro-navigation 24/7: The books he read, the conversations he held - if he spoke at all, the learning tapes and videos he played and in the rare few hours he slept the nightmares that made him wake up screaming.  
  
Strangely and sadly Rimmer's diligent hard work wasn't rewarded in the slightest. Every morning he had Kryten quiz him on what he had learned and each time he'd fail on almost every question. Lister and the Cat used to joke about it, but over time it had lost it's appeal. No one deserved to spent so much time and energy on learning something only to barely recall a single thing when quizzed. It was becoming more heartbreaking than funny rapidly.  
  
The constant failure of the morning quizzes with Kryten made Rimmer study even harder to the exclusion of everyone and everything – including sleep. The pressure and anxiety caused the Hologram to be as tense as a string and his T-Count had sky rocketed. Lister had lost count of the times he'd found Rimmer either in the throws of a panic attack or hyperventilating. Thankfully the exam was due any day now. Not that it was too much of a comfort, as it was certain that in a few months time this whole process would repeat itself all over again. Lister wondered how many more of these exam weeks he could take and worse; how much more Rimmer could take before he'd go completely insane.  
  
Waking up that morning Lister found Rimmer at his desk furiously studying, he wondered how long he'd been there. Looking at the clock he noted it was barely 6am.  
“Rimmer, what the smeg man? How long you've been doing this?”  
“Don't know, a few hours, I guess. Couldn't sleep so I thought I'd cram in some extra chapters.”  
Lister sighed, it would be another long day.

Soon enough it was time for Kryten's daily quiz. The Android and the Hologram sat at the table in the drive room. Lister looked at Rimmer; rigid with tension, exhaustion edged in his face, and wondered if this was some bizarre form of self inflicted torture.

“If Long. is 90oE. and GHA is 300o Then …?” Kryten begun. Rimmer stared at him blankly.  
Kryten waited to give him a chance but then answered: “LHA = GHA + LONG -360o = 300o + 90o = 390o – 360o = 30o”  
  
Lister saw it obviously made no sense whatsoever to Rimmer, this was surprising as he's only read the chapter that morning.  
Lister kept pondering on two questions. The first one was why, after years of studying, years of forcing himself Rimmer still struggled to grasp even the most simple examples of Astronavigation.  
The other thing that kept niggling at the back of his mind was why it sometimes seemed as if Rimmer could barely understand basic maths.

Rimmer had always had trouble with numbers: From recalling Space Corp Directives in the correct sequence to simple sums. He usually found ingenious ways to avoid them.  
When he had to do maths it was excruciating. Lister remembered his embarrassment when at one time Rimmer tried to work out Jesus' age when the answer was actually in the question. Rimmer had taken an agonizingly long time while trying to hide the fact he was counting with his fingers. This was the biggest confirmation to Lister that something was up with Rimmer and mathematics.  
  
A long excruciating hour saw Kryten fire question after question at Rimmer who went from frozen to desperate and back.  
“Sextant Altitude?  
“I don't know …”  
“31° 22’.0”  
“I don't know, I don't know!”  
Rimmer sounded close to tears now, his voice was shrill, thin and shaky. Lister was getting worried and fed up in equal measure.  
  
When he heard: “If Long. is 90oW. and GHA is 45,o we have:” for the fifth time and Rimmer still couldn't answer Lister had enough: “For smeg sake!! It's LHA = 45o – 90o = -45o + 360o = 315o!! Please can we stop it now Rimmer.”  
The moment he said it he regretted it. Rimmer's breath hitched, he looked up, a world of injustice in his eyes.  
“You're right. Who am I kidding?”  
Rimmer stood up stiffly and dashed out of the room.  
  
Lister quickly went after the Hologram and found him back at his desk feverishly whispering the formulas he saw in the book and would never recall later.  
  
“Rimmer man, maybe you should take a break.”  
  
“How?” Rimmer asked. “How can I take a break when I don't know anything?”  
  
“Why do you keep doing this?” Lister begun, but Rimmer was miles away.  
  
“Long West, LHA = GHA – LONG (+360 **o** ?)  
GHA = 15 **o** 30’.0  
LONG = – 172 **o** 25’.8 W.  (-)  
LHA    =  -156 **o**   55’.8  
+360 **o**   00’.0      (+)  
203o   04’.2” Rimmer muttered.  
  
He closed his eyes and repeated “230o   04’.2.”  
  
Lister frowned; “203o! Rimmer for smeg sake. you just read that …!”  
  
Rimmer tensed and repeated Lister “ 203o   04’.2”.  
  
The weary Hologram continued “Long East, LHA …”  
  
“ = GHA + LONG (-360 **o** ?)  
GHA   = 345 **o**   15’.00  
LONG =   65 **o**   19’.67E.  (+)  
LHA   =  410 **o** 34’.67  
360 **o** 00’.00     (-)  
50 **o** 34’.67 “ The Cat finished matter of factly, walking in.  
  
Lister looked at him in surprise  
  
“Well, he's been saying it for decades, it's gotta stick sometime.” He smirked at Rimmer who stared at him aghast.  
  
“Sorry Buddy!”  
  
“Not you …” Rimmer whispered. “Not you as well.”  
  
“Hey, I may not know what it means, but at least I can remember it.”  
  
“Get out!” Rimmer exploded. “All of you get out now!!”  
  
Lister quickly grabbed the Cat by the arm and propelled him out of the room. He could swear he heard muffled sobs when he closed the door.  
  
\---

“We got to do something, he's making himself ill and driving us insane!”  
  
Lister was talking to Kryten and the Cat in the science room.  
  
“I mean who the smeg is he trying to impress here? His entire family has been dead for millions of years as has the whole smegging human race. Non of us care if he's an officer or not. Why does it matter?”  
  
“Oh, it's not about the title anymore, sir.” Kryten said patiently.  
  
“What's he making all the fuss about then?” Cat interjected.  
  
“Mr Rimmer is very depressed sir. He feels he has wasted his entire life and death and as if he isn't contributing anything specific to the team.”  
  
“Well, non of us are, really. We're just doing what we can.”  
  
“Well, you have your technical knowledge, I have my household duties and have in a way effectively taken over Holly's role and …”

“I bring the style!!” Cat grinned.

“Mr Rimmer was thinking more about your piloting prowess, sir.”  
  
“Multi-talented, that's me!” the Cat thrilled, gazing lovingly at his reflection in Kryten's armour.  
  
“But Mr Rimmer feels he's an outsider these days, he wants a special skill.”  
  
Lister looked at Kryten puzzled: “How do you know this?”  
  
Kryten looked sheepish. “I overheard Mr Rimmer talking to the Medi-Droid during one of his counselling sessions. I do hope passing this on is not breaking any code, Sirs.”

“Nah, we don't do codes here Kryters.” Lister said absent-mindedly.  
  
What Kryten told him made a lot of sense. Rimmer had seemed to regress lately: next to his unrelenting studying there was the sudden obsession with health and safety regulations, he hadn't bothered with those in decades.  
The Scouser wondered if it had anything to do with the strange reunion Rimmer had with his brother Howard recently. The Hologram had not shown grief when the sibling died, but maybe the relapse and obsessions where his way of dealing with it.  
There had also been the threat of being demoted, which meant smeg all to Lister, but would obviously rattle someone like Rimmer.  
To top things of Lister had almost lost Rimmer in a gambling bet, which could have contributed to him feeling rather worthless.  
  
He stared at Rimmer's new health and safety signs: they actually were more like elaborate drawings than signs. The Hologram had seemed very happy creating those; designing them and then sketching the crew. It had been the only time in weeks the man had seemed calm. That was what he clearly loved doing: drawing, painting, writing. But instead he forced himself to do things he clearly couldn't and hated.  
  
“Why the smeg is he trying to get a special skill he doesn't have? Why can't he do what he likes, what he's good at?” Lister sighed.  
  
“Alphabethead is good at something?” The Cat asked with dismay.  
  
Lister pointed at the pamphlets.  
  
“He did THIS?”  
  
Lister nodded.  
  
The Cat looked at the papers then smiled:  
  
“He drew ME and I look fine!”  
  
He quickly grabbed most of the pamphlets.  
  
“These are MINE. Tell him to keep it up and stop the number business, I need new wallpaper!”  
  
With these of the cuff remarks the Cat touched the knob of the problem: how could they convince Rimmer to let go of the impossible and get him to live his life?  
  
With the Cat away framing Rimmer's drawings Lister continued talking to Kryten.  
  
“Kryters, did you ever think Rimmer …” How to phrase this delicately? “Sometimes has … problems with numbers?”

“In what way Sir?”  
  
“Well, he can't remember them, can't add up …”  
  
“Oh, that sir. Yes I have noticed this.”  
  
“Well, I think that's why he fails his exams. Can we do something about that?”

Kryten thought for a second.  
  
“Well, I would have to scan him first to locate the problem. We would need his permission.”  
  
Lister frowned: Rimmer would never give permission for that. He would be furious hearing they'd even discussed it. But at the moment curiosity won from common sense in Lister.  
  
“I give you permission. Scan him Kryten.”  
  
“But Sir.”  
  
“It's an order Kryten. Scan him now!”  
  
\---  
  
While a worried Kryten begun his work scanning the Hologram without him knowing Lister grabbed himself some coffee and a vindaloo.  
After some time the Cat returned.  
  
“Hey, hey! Alphabethead draw anything yet – i.e. ME?!!”  
  
Lister smiled.  
  
“Nah, not finished scanning him yet …”  
  
“Really?” The Cat looked incredulous. “There can't be that much to read …”  
  
“Oh!! Sirs, sirs!!” Exclaimed Kryten so suddenly Lister nearly dropped his coffee over the Cat. The agile Feline managed to jump away before the dark fluid hit him.  
“Sorry, man ...” said Lister.  
The Cat hissed.

“Erm, Sirs, I found a problem area in Mr Rimmer.”  
  
“What, only one?” The Cat sniffed.  
  
“Well … only the one Mr Lister specifically requested. I'm printing the read outs now.”  
  
Soon page after page of undecipherable looking squiggles came from the printer. Lister and the Cat did not understand a single word of what was written. Thankfully Kryten read through the mass of strange hieroglyphs in seconds.  
  
“Oh …” He sighed dejectedly after reading the last page.  
  
Lister and the Cat stared at each other then Kryten.  
  
“What?” The Cat urged when Kryten stared into space looking upset.

“Oh dear …” the Android sighed again, sadly.  
  
“What is it Kryten?” Lister asked, worried it might be bad.  
  
“If only he'd known.”  
  
“What, what Kryten? Is it bad?”  
  
“Not bad Sirs … The word sad is more apt.”  
  
“Dildo Face, you better tell us what you found or you'll find this Cat has claws!!”  
  
That shook Kryten back to the present.  
  
“Mr Rimmer seems to have quite severe maths anxiety.”  
  
“Well, that's not news …” the Cat tutted.  
  
“No, I mean he has quite a severe disorder, sir!”  
  
“I know, that's not news.” the Cat repeated.  
  
Kryten sighed and turned to face Lister specifically.  
  
“I am saying he has severe Developmental Dyscalculia, Mr Lister, sir.”

Lister stared at him blankly.  
  
“And what's that, when it's at home?”  
  
Kryten cleared his throat.  
  
“Let me explain sirs."  
  
A mutual groan.  
  
“Research suggests that dyscalculia is a specific learning disability that affects a person’s ability to acquire arithmetical skills.” Kryten begun his explanation. “It can manifest itself as a person’s inability to understand basic number concepts and/or number relationships, recognise symbols, and comprehend quantitative and spatial information. Many people liken the effects of dyscalculia with numbers to that of dyslexia with words. Dyscalculia is also known as mathematical learning disabilities. It is a specific learning disability that affects around 7% of the population. Individuals with dyscalculia are not unintelligent, but struggle to learn mathematics, despite having an adequate learning environment at home and at school. Dyscalculia is assumed to be due to a difference in brain function.”  
  
“Okay …” the Cat yawned after Kryten had finished his explanation. “I was with you until you said research and I don't think I got back on your word train till 'ion' …”  
Lister shushed him, earning him a very annoyed cat glare. Lister ignored it.

“What, so you mean it wasn't all his fault? He had a condition that made it impossible to understand?”  
  
“He _has_ a condition sirs, there is no had. I feel such a silly Droid! Why did I never think of this! It explains … It explains so much. Not everything, but so much.”  
“Nice of you to know that. Care to share with the group?”  
Lister was getting annoyed. His instincts had been proven right. Something was up with Rimmer, now he'd like to know what it was and what to do about it.  
  
Seeing Lister's impatience Kryten printed out some facts and handed them to him. The Scouser sat down while the Cat, put off by all the reading material, curled up and went to sleep on top of a warm scanner.  
  
\---  
  
Lister tried to scan the papers quickly, wondering what Kryten meant about this explaining so much about Rimmer. Then suddenly his eyebrows rose and over the course of the next half hour a lot of things suddenly became very clear.  
  
_Symptoms of Dyscalculia:  
“In it's severest form, dyscalculia makes it difficult for the person to understand cardinal numbers, maths symbols and basic arithmetic.”_  
  
Okay, yes , that much he understood. That is what he had noticed in the first place.  
  
_“Inability to grasp and remember mathematical concepts, rules, formulae, and sequences. He may work tirelessly on memorizing maths facts, but he always has trouble recalling them.”_  
  
That alone was enough to make Lister sit up and take notice. He remembered all those years of seeing Rimmer read the books again and again but never recalling even the tiniest detail.  
  
_“When writing, reading and recalling numbers, these mistakes may occur: number additions, substitutions, transpositions, omissions, and reversals.”  
  
_ A memory stirred, one of many.  
  
_“That's it. I'm invoking space corp directive 6_8_2_5_0.”  
  
6_8_2_5_0? But sir, surely that's impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi.”  
_

_“Forget it. Forget I was ever born.”  
  
_ All these years and Rimmer still couldn't recall any of these Space Corp sequences. Or actually he could recall the directives perfectly, just not the order they came in.  
  
_“_ _Physical coordination_ ** _:_** _Dyscalculia can affect how the brain and eyes work together. A person with dyscalculia may have trouble judging distances between objects.”  
_  
Yep, that explained many a near Starbug crash over the years.  
  
_“Difficulty with conceptualizing time and judging the passing of time. Trouble estimating how long a minute is or keeping track of how much time has passed. This can make it hard to stick to a schedule. May be chronically late or early”  
_  
Rimmer had always found it difficult to judge time. He prided himself on being punctual, but he wasn't, really. That was why he could never finish his daily to do list and was still working on his study charts days before his exams.  
  
_“Trouble learning left from right. They may have trouble getting places by reading maps or following directions. Difficulty navigating or mentally "turning" the map to face the current direction rather than the common North=Top usage.”  
_  
Lister remembered the countless times Rimmer had strode of proudly in the wrong direction, only to sheepishly make out he wanted to go there all along. It had taken him ages to be able to work with the navigation desk in Starbug. Sometimes Kryten still had to correct a “left” to Rimmer's “right”, but Rimmer had managed it in the end. Knowing now how difficult it must have been Lister felt strangely proud of his bunkmate.  
  
_“Difficulty using finger counting (slow, inaccurate, unable to immediately recognise finger configurations)”  
_  
There it was, the thing that had made him wonder about Rimmer in the first place.  
  
_“Difficulty reading musical notation”  
_  
Rimmer had once told him how his parents forced him to learn the piano, but he couldn't read notes no matter how hard he tried. He could play by ear, but that wasn't good enough for his parents or the teachers.

 _“Freezes when asked maths related questions. So worried about the prospect of doing maths that their fear and nervousness can lead to poor performance on tests. Some may have both maths anxiety and dyscalculia.”  
_  
This coupled with the horrible upbringing he had? No wonder the poor guy fainted during exams.

 _“Poor memory (retention & retrieval) of maths concepts- may be able to perform maths operations one day, but draw a blank the next! May be able to do book work but then fails tests.”  
_  
That explained it then: he had often seen Rimmer pull a skill out of the bag only for it to mysteriously disappear a few days later.

  * _Anxiety_
  * _Panic attacks_
  * _Lack of self-confidence_
  * _Lack of self-esteem_
  * _Unwillingness to learn_
  * _Lack of motivation_
  * _Frustration_
  * _Anger_



Erm, yes …  
**  
** Reading all this Lister wondered how anyone could have missed it. Sure, he'd never really heard about it, but Rimmer's parents, his teachers surely they should have?  
  
_Parents of younger children should work closely with teachers to make sure they are sensitive to the students’ needs.  
_  
Lister shivered thinking of that poor scared little boy desperately trying to lean, terrified of the punishment, not understanding why he could never recall anything. The stress and anxiety must have worsened the condition.  
  
_"At meal times he'd ask us questions on astronavigation. If we got them wrong -- no food. - I nearly died of malnutrition."_

He shook of the memory and continued reading.  
  
" _If not detected early in life there is a chance of harming the child's social skills. This can lead to anxiety and low self-esteem. But parents have the power to change that equation. Failing repeatedly in maths class can lead your child to assume failure is inevitable in other areas too and stop him or her from doing things they might be good at. Low self-esteem can affect your child’s willingness to make new friends or participate in after-school activities. He might also avoid playing games and sports that involve maths and keeping score."  
_  
Lister recalled all the times Rimmer had told him about how everyone he knew had always called him stupid. The Bonehead pranks. The endless times he and the others laughed at Rimmer's inabilities. No wonder Rimmer had no believe in himself.  
  
“Oh smeg …” Lister sighed. He got up to find Kryten. Sensing a new situation the Cat woke up and followed him.

\---  
  
“Should we tell him?” Lister asked.  
  
“Then he'll know we've scanned him without permission, Sir. He'll be furious.”  
  
“That's true. But how else can we tell him? He has the right to know. I can't bare seeing him like this anymore!”  
  
“His exam is tomorrow, we could wait till he has finished Sir. I think he'd want that.”  
  
“I wouldn't …” The Cat said.  
  
Two heads turned to him as one.  
   
“Well see: I take an exam for the fourteenth time fail, get upset and then get told you knew something was wrong with me all along? I wouldn't be happy.”  
  
“Neither would I …” Muttered Lister. “I'm gonna tell him … But how?”  
  
The Cat stared at a screen Kryten had left on.  
  
“If you do Buddy, give him this too. I want a damn painting."  
  
Lister looked at the page the Cat had found. His eyes lit up and he immediately printed it.

“Thanks, Cat …”  
  
“What for? Hey, shiny thing!!”  
  
Lister shook his head when the Cat made off with one of Kryten's spare fingers, followed by an irate Kryten.  
  
\---

When he arrived in the bunkroom he found Rimmer, still at his desk, hunched over his books.

“What? You're still at this?” Lister asked with a hint of concern.  
  
Rimmer looked up, his eyes red and tired from the strain of endless study and silent crying.  
  
“The new exam is tomorrow Listy.” he sighed, depression edging his voice.

“You're frying your brain, man. Go to sleep or watch some telly.”  
  
Rimmer was quiet for a second. Lister was surprised he actually seemed to consider it for a moment.  
  
Then the Hologram shook his head and tapped into his nearly drained barrel of faux bravado.  
He put on his smile, flared his nostrils and used his best clipped cheery babble.

“Nah, things to do, lots to learn. You don't get by in life without a little sacrifice.”  
  
Then something seemed to snap.  
  
Rimmer bent forwards and groaned, his head in his hands, nails pressed into his hairline

“Rimmer?” Lister asked worried. “You okay, man?”  
  
“No …” The Hologram said flatly. “I'm so tired Lister, so terribly tired.”  
  
“Oh hey ...” Lister walked up to him and put himself behind his chair.

“It's getting worse. It's as if I'm understanding less instead of more. I've been reading these smegging books all my life, all my life!! I wish once, once I could just read a novel, any smegging book but this! Why can't I understand this?”  
  
He turned around to face Lister.  
  
“You can understand it, can't you?”  
  
Lister wasn't sure what he was supposed to say to this.  
  
“Come on, don't spare me: you can, can't you?!”  
  
“Not sure, I've never taken this.”  
  
“But you could if you tried, couldn't you? Come on, out with it: I know you think I'm a failure, a brainless goit.”  
  
“Rimmer, that's not what I'm thinking at all man.”  
  
“Why wouldn't you? It's the truth! I'm useless.”  
  
“No you're not!” Lister cried out and before he could stop himself added: “It's not your fault!!”  
  
A brief silence, Rimmer's weary face looked at him with curiosity.  
  
“What are you drivelling about Listy? What isn't my fault?”  
  
There was no way out of this now, he had to tell him.  
  
“I was talking about ya with Kryten today. I had him scan you for something.”  
  
As expected Rimmer's eyebrows – and nostrils – rose up, but Lister stopped him before he could intervene.  
  
“No, wait, before you start, it was for a good cause! Hear me out, okay!”  
  
Rimmer shrugged tiredly. He didn't seem to have the energy for a fight so Lister thought it safe to continue.  
  
“So, as I said; we scanned ya data and we found this error.”  
  
Rimmer's eyes shot up.  
  
“There's something wrong with me, isn't there?”  
  
“Well, yes. There's always been something wrong with you Rimmer … But this one you can't help. Ever hear about dyscalculia?”  
  
Rimmer shook his head.  
  
“It's this thing some people have in their brain, it stops them from understanding maths and stuff. You've got that apparently.”  
  
Rimmer scowled at him, not really knowing what to think.  
  
“You're messing with me, aren't you? You're trying to stress me so I'll fail. Why would you do that?”  
  
“Rimmer, look at me: I'm not messing with you, okay? I swear.”  
  
He wished he'd never started this now, the Holograms nerves had already been frayed by the pressure he'd put on himself, his right leg was now jiggling uncontrollably from stress.  
  
“It's real Rimmer. There are people who's brains are incapable of learning and understanding maths and mathematical concepts, rules, formulae, and sequences even have trouble learning left from right.”  
  
“Oh, so you do think I'm a moron?”  
  
“No, people with these problems can be super intelligent it's just that things that involve numbers give them trouble. It's an actual condition and stuff …”  
  
Rimmer stared at him, his eyes big and intense.  
  
“What are you saying Lister? What … what does this mean?”  
  
Unsure of what to say Lister gave Rimmer the papers that Kryten had printed him. He watched as Rimmer's eyes darted over the words and worried as he saw all colour drain from his face. Finally he looked up.  
  
“It … it wasn't my fault?” Rimmer's voice shook. “All these years and … and it wasn't my fault?”  
  
There was a long silence, a very uncomfortable one, Lister felt. Rimmer stared into space, his lips twitching.  
  
“Not my fault …” He whispered again then shook his head.

To his horror Lister suddenly heard a sob come from the Hologram followed by another. Rimmer was crying. Lister stood next to him and tentatively put his hand on the man's shoulder. He could feel him shaking, hear the hitched breath. Suddenly he found himself squatting down and wrapping his arms around Rimmer. He let him sob on his shoulder and rubbed his back. He was surprised to find Rimmer, who was almost allergic to being touched, allowed him to hold him and sooth him.  
  
“All my life …” Rimmer whispered in his neck. “All my life I tried. I tried so hard and I just never, never understood. Called bonehead, idiot, stupid. I was beaten up, I was starved all because of something I …” He never finished the sentence as tears choked his voice.  
Lister begun to wonder if telling him had been the right decision. On the other hand he couldn't go through one more day of seeing Rimmer torture himself staring into books he would never comprehend without help.  
  
When Rimmer had finished crying he made no attempts to release himself from Listers arms. The Scouser only let him go when squatting in front of him became painful.  
  
“I'm sorry …” Rimmer said.  
  
Lister put up a chair besides him.  
  
“Why? Ya didn't do anything.”  
  
“For breaking down, showing weakness …”  
  
“Don't do that. Don't apologise for emotions. Must have been a massive shock.”  
  
“Reading it, it seems so obvious.” The Hologram said dejectedly. “If only anyone had thought … My life could have been so different. Better …”  
  
“In what way?”  
  
“I don't know. Just better. Can you imagine: I wouldn't have been an idiot: people would have helped me. Maybe … maybe I could have been disqualified from the Space Corp and …” For a brief second his eyes lit up and glistened.  
  
“And what …?”  
  
The light faded again.  
  
“No nothing, it's stupid, it doesn't matter now. My parents wouldn't have accepted it anyhow. It's so bizarre: they knew I was learning, trying day after day and never thought … They never thought anything could be wrong with me, that just didn't happen in our family. My brothers, they were perfect, or so they thought. I was useless, I am … I.”  
  
He shook his head, his voice sounded panicked.  
  
“If only they'd thought, just once. Why didn't anybody help me, ask me if there was something wrong? Why does no-one ever help me?”  
  
Lister frowned at Rimmer. The Hologram had never indicated he wanted someone to help him. He always pushed everyone away. To see him desperate for someone to reach out to him was heartbreaking.  
  
“Rimmer you never asked.”  
  
Rimmer gave a weak smile.  
  
“Thank you Listy, but I don't mean you. My parents, the teachers even the JMC tutors. They could see I was struggling. Nobody ever offered to help me. Why did Kryten never help me? And Holly, she must have known? Why didn't they help me??”  
  
Lister didn't know what to say to this, thankfully Rimmer didn't expect an answer as he was lost in thought.  
  
“Lister …” Rimmer said softly.  
  
“Yeah?”

“What … what am I going to do now?”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“I … I'm not sure how to move on. If I'm not qualified what do I really bring to the group?”

“Rimmer, you don't need to be qualified, you're capable behind the navigation desk when you have to be. Non of us are qualified we just do what we need to do”  
  
Rimmer nodded silently, but still seemed unsure.

Lister continued.

“Remember, when Holly turned you on it wasn't for your knowledge of numbers or Astronavigation. She turned you on to do what you do best: keep me sane. The best way to do that is by keeping yourself sane. You driving yourself and me mad doing things you hate isn't helping. Take a break at-least. Do something fun. Cat wants a few paintings of himself, you'd contribute to the team with that, keeping him quiet. Maybe write a book on health and safety: you saved me a few times with your 'protocols' …”  
  
Rimmer laughed quietly.

Lister handed Rimmer the page he'd printed.

“What's that …?” Rimmer asked wearily, clearly not in the mood for more reading.

“Strengths you can work on.”

“What?”

“You wanted to know what you can do, so read it you smegger.”

Rimmer tried to focus his tired eyes on the paper.

_Common strengths in people with Dyscalculia can include:_

_Creative and innovative thinking_  
_Problem solving and lateral thinking_

Rimmer looked up: “I'm not good at lateral thinking at all.”

Lister looked at him and smiled.

“Yes you are!”

“Remember that moose question?”

“That's not lateral thinking Arn, that's answering questions. Trying to clone yourself from dandruff, using all angles of a picture to view a business card, a battery made from lemons … That's lateral thinking.”

“I did that …? Yes I remember. That … that was clever.”

Rimmer sat a little straighter now Lister noted.

“Read on, man.”

 _High aptitude in creative careers e.g. art, design, engineering, architecture_  
_Good practical skills_  
_Verbal communication_  
_Able to take a holistic view of work goals and objectives – seeing the ‘bigger picture’_

“You really think I'm good at these things?” Rimmer asked confused.

“Most things, yeah. You just have to find out what you're really good at. I know something else you could be good at: coming up with plans.”  
  
“Don't be silly. The only plan I've always had is hide somewhere.”

“You've had some good ideas over the years Rimmer. You just never allowed yourself to realise it as you were focusing on that Astro thing. Why wanna be a Navigation officer anyway? Why not a Strategy officer?”

Rimmer's eyebrows rose, he'd clearly never even thought of that.

“Because of my father I just thought it was my only option.” He paused. “All my life I thought I had only one option.”

“We're alone in space Rimmer, you can do whatever the smeg you like!”

Rimmer closed his eyes for a moment and shivered. He had calmed down a bit, knowing there might be other things out there for him but he was still in disarray. His adrenaline depleted exhaustion started kicking in. When he opened his eyes again he stared at the books on his desk and at the “exam tomorrow” note stuck to the table. He was lost in thought for a few seconds then returned his gaze to the man next to him. He seemed to be struggling with something.

“So … you think it would be … okay if I didn't take the exam in the morning?”

He stared intensely at Lister, who knew the answer Rimmer was after.

“Of course, man. No-one cares about that smeg.”

Rimmer nodded tensely, wringing his hands.

“Good.” He sighed. “It's … not that I'm going to quit now but … I don't know. It's so confusing.”

Lister saw a panic attack coming and quickly put a calming hand on the Hologram's leg.

“You're knackered Rimmer, get some rest. We'll talk about it later.”

“Rest …” The Hologram frowned, mulling it over.

“Yeah, have a lay in or something.”

“I'd like that …”

“Do it, then!”

Rimmer got of his chair. His body, weary, stiff and painful from being in the same cramped position all day obviously protested against this sudden change. Lister could only just prevent Rimmer from keeling over by grabbing his arm.  
  
“Come here you smegger.” Lister said warmly, supporting the Hologram to his bunk.

“I'm a bit dizzy …” Rimmer muttered in surprise.

“Have you even eaten today? Had anything to drink?”

Rimmer shook his head then sunk on his bunk. Lister gave him a glass of water which he downed gratefully.

“You want anything else, man?”

Rimmer only wanted some warmed milk and a grilled cheese sandwich.

\---  
  
Lister asked Kryten to make Rimmer coco instead of just warm milk. He'd noticed Rimmer loved coco but always denied himself having it.  
One of those bizarre Rimmer rules: he had to earn himself the right to eat or drink something he liked. Sadly, he rarely ever felt he had.  
Millions of years in the future and still trapped in the past.  
  
When Lister returned with the refreshments  Rimmer was in his pyjama's laying on his bunk. He was staring an object on his desk that Lister had never seen before. In a few weeks he would find out it was a holo-lamp containing a message from someone very important.  
Rimmer was deep in thought.

Lister put the tray Kryten had prepared on the table.

“Brought you something Rimmer. Make you feel better.”

Rimmer gave a small smile and got up.

“Thank you Listy."

Lister watched as Rimmer sat down at the table, wondering how he'd respond to the coco.  
When the Hologram noticed the chocolate drink Lister saw his eyes light up. Still he had to go through a forced charade first to assure himself he was allowed to drink it.

“Lister …” Rimmer asked as clipped as he could while trying to hide the fact he was practically salivating, “I thought I asked for warmed milk?”

Lister looked at him innocently.

“Oh, you did, didn't ya? Sorry was miles away.”

“Really Listy? Can't tell the difference between warmed milk or coco? Even the Cat can do that!”

“Well, I could go back and have Kryten change it, throw it out?”

When Lister reached for Rimmer's mug, the Hologram snatched it away and clutched it to his chest.

“No, no! That … that would be wasteful. I'll just have to drink it.”

Lister smiled and shook his head.

“You do that, man …”

Watching Rimmer drink the liquid slowly, savouring every drop Lister made a mental note to make more of these “errors” in future.  
  
After finishing the coco and devouring every last crumb of the sandwich Rimmer returned to his bunk again. He seemed a lot happier than he'd done an hour ago.

“So any plans for yer break?” Lister asked with a smile.

Rimmer sighed and thought about it for a bit.

“First I'm going to sleep for two days …”

“Brutal …”

“Then I'm going to read.”

“Wha …?”

“The entire Harry Potter series and maybe a bit of Sherlock Holmes. Reading for fun … been so long …”

Lister almost scoffed but then remembered that this was a big step for Rimmer.

“Good for you!” He cheer leaded.  
But Rimmer didn't hear it anymore the tired Hologram was out like a light.

Lister stared at Rimmer for a moment. It had been a long time since he'd seen him sleep so calmly: no mumbling, no clenched jaw or fidgeting.

Just as he wanted to leave the room Rimmer opened his eyes again for a brief moment and mumbled sleepily:

“Tell the Cat he should wear gold.”

Lister smiled and repeated: “Good for you …”


End file.
